Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
You Might Also Like
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Every work call, he judges.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap