Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
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What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
#growingpains
The game has officially changed 😎
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic