We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
🙄😏😂🤣
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
lmfao
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“The Perfect Relationship”