I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Respect
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Check your privilege
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”