[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
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My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
yes, those are my real potatoes.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you