[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.