@prufrockluvsong: ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it's not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

@prufrockluvsong: me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who's lost in the woods with me: maybe we should've followed a compass compass

@prufrockluvsong: Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

@prufrockluvsong: *dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

@prufrockluvsong: gossiping friend: don't breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don't worry I only breathe air

@prufrockluvsong: When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

@prufrockluvsong: early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

@prufrockluvsong: earthquakes are just the planet's way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can't find fault in that

@prufrockluvsong: It's called crossfit because you're really mad that you're doing it