@prufrockluvsong Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
@prufrockluvsong 
@prufrockluvsong [ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
@prufrockluvsong [cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
@prufrockluvsong Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
@prufrockluvsong Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
@prufrockluvsong I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
@prufrockluvsong What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
@prufrockluvsong *puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
@prufrockluvsong Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time
Me: what do you mean, human friend
@prufrockluvsong Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*