Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!