@prufrockluvsong

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

@prufrockluvsong

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

@prufrockluvsong

oh no it’s sweater weather [I am pelted by so many sweaters falling out of the sky]

@prufrockluvsong

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

@prufrockluvsong

Lately all you hear about is prioritizing self care but I need someone to tell me to maybe back off and think about other people for a change, like maybe I should’ve paid more attention to that guy I saw in the street who was screaming that he was on fire

@prufrockluvsong

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

@prufrockluvsong

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

@prufrockluvsong

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins