@prufrockluvsong
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
@prufrockluvsong
@prufrockluvsong
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
@prufrockluvsong
oh no it’s sweater weather [I am pelted by so many sweaters falling out of the sky]
@prufrockluvsong
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
@prufrockluvsong
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
@prufrockluvsong
Lately all you hear about is prioritizing self care but I need someone to tell me to maybe back off and think about other people for a change, like maybe I should’ve paid more attention to that guy I saw in the street who was screaming that he was on fire
@prufrockluvsong
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
@prufrockluvsong
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
@prufrockluvsong
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
@prufrockluvsong
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins