@prufrockluvsong

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

@prufrockluvsong

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

@prufrockluvsong

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

@prufrockluvsong

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

@prufrockluvsong

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

@prufrockluvsong

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

@prufrockluvsong

Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend

@prufrockluvsong

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*