barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
Is it working yet?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING