It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce