video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE