So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n
me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid