@prufrockluvsong
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
@prufrockluvsong
@prufrockluvsong
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
@prufrockluvsong
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
@prufrockluvsong
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
@prufrockluvsong
Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time
Me: what do you mean, human friend
@prufrockluvsong
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
@prufrockluvsong
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
@prufrockluvsong
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
@prufrockluvsong
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
@prufrockluvsong
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse