Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
What flavor cupcake are these
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*