ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*