the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.