A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
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[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I have questions??
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?