Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of psybermonkey's best tweets

@psybermonkey : Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: ...w-what

@psybermonkey: God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

@psybermonkey: [7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I've never made out with anyone before, have you? We don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I'm rambling now aren't I. Sorry, I'm just nervous haha

Jesus: you've been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@psybermonkey: Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: ...what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@psybermonkey: Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@psybermonkey: Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@psybermonkey: Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more


Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

@psybermonkey: Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine


Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@psybermonkey: Dr: I'm sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that's where the morgue is

@psybermonkey: [Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK...the beast keeps the rose in his chambers