Funny Tweeter

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Page of psybermonkey's best tweets

@psybermonkey : Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: ...w-what

@psybermonkey: God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

@psybermonkey: [7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I've never made out with anyone before, have you? We don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I'm rambling now aren't I. Sorry, I'm just nervous haha

Jesus: you've been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@psybermonkey: Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: ...what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@psybermonkey: Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@psybermonkey: Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@psybermonkey: Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

@psybermonkey: Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@psybermonkey: Dr: I'm sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that's where the morgue is

@psybermonkey: [Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK...the beast keeps the rose in his chambers