[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The Sun
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.