When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.