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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..