These dogs look like they have good credit.
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I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Cats (2019)
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”