@punmagnate

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@punmagnate

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

@punmagnate

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@punmagnate

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.