90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I can’t deal with men any longer
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.