I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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