“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The pasta is now
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie