A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.