Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.