Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
This is enough internet for the day.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
This bar smells like my childhood.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.