Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
You Might Also Like
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
this article brought to you by lions
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
there has never been a better use of this meme
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN