My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.