I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*