As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
jesus christ confetti not now
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.