Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
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You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself