Husband: How about a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?
Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.
Wife: [sends text] WTF!
Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.
I hate walking into spiderwebs…
When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.
I could never cheat in a relationship,
That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?
The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.