@qwertying

Husband: How about a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?

@qwertying

Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?

Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?

@qwertying

Husband: [sends text] We need to break up.

Wife: [sends text] WTF!

Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.

@qwertying

Like a true gentlemen, I always put women and children first.

I hate walking into spiderwebs…

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@qwertying

I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive.

@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.

@qwertying

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?

The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?

@qwertying

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?

@qwertying

My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.