We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Whoa 😂
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.