Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB