ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all