the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”