How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like