When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
blocked.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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ME: finally a program for me
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.