I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Doctors texting each other.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
What personal space?
My dog
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.