I have lost a fiancé and a baby and a dog and I am just so tired of having things taken away from me. Please for the love of god, go do something nice for someone today to restore the balance in this world just a little. Life is too short and precious.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.