While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.