said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
When ur friends with white people
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.