Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.