Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again