Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”
Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.