@ramblinma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@ramblinma

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

@ramblinma

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@ramblinma

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

@ramblinma

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

@ramblinma

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

@ramblinma

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

@ramblinma

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.