Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”
Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.