Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of ramblinma's best tweets

@ramblinma : Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It's got eggs in it.

@ramblinma: Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@ramblinma: Pediatrician: They're only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

@ramblinma: I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

@ramblinma: Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don't sleep for 7 years.

@ramblinma: The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

@ramblinma: Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That's a lie. I'm sorry, I can't do this.

@ramblinma: My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@ramblinma: Before kids: I'll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: "Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that's just the marshmallows?"

@ramblinma: Me: "Do that thing I like."

Husband: *orders pizza*