@ramblinma

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

@ramblinma

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

@ramblinma

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

@ramblinma

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

@ramblinma

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

@ramblinma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@ramblinma

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

@ramblinma

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.