McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.