Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene