True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
wishing you and yours all the best
They also CAN sing✌️
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.