I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
had to make it
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Just got to our Airbnb!
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.