[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”